I live in reality, I don't want to watch yours.

I could totally live without the television, or the phone for that matter. I can get everything I need from an internet connection.

But, if I so much as hint that it would be cost effective to get rid of the cable tv, The Sister looks at me like I just snapped the neck of a bunny or something.

I don't get it....its 150 channels of nothing'ness. Unless you are into sports or reality shows there are maybe a dozen shows on tv that are watchable.

The Sister, however, watches all of it. All reality shows, all the time. Every 'housewife' show (although not many of them are actually married, go figure). And she would never pass up a chance to watch someone compete for something, not sporting events but close to it, I guess. Iron Chef, Top Chef, So you think you can dance, hairdressers, designers, models... the list goes on ad nauseum. Did I forget to say yes to the dress? FFS

Just a little fiction, that is all I am asking for. I just don't get the appeal? I live in reality, I sure as fuck don't want to watch yours.

Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Steven Seagal: Lawman - A&E TV

Definitely not going to get hooked on this.

Spent most of last night, flipping through 600 channels of tv programs I would never watch.

I can tell you that after my freeview of this box, out it goes.

I can't believe how much crap is on TV. There are maybe a dozen shows total that anyone would really want to watch. The rest is just crap. Filler. More reality TV than you can shake a stick at.

Maybe there is a reason 'Y' its so short.

I work in tech support and without telling you who I work for, after the road trip, I now support the fancy digital TV boxes that you all have in your homes.

Problem is, I don't even have cable. So when people call up saying this menu and that menu is showing this and that? I have no idea what they are talking about. Tech support is, well, tech support. When the box doesn't work or is giving the wrong info, I can fix that. But I have no idea how to change the color of your guide, I have no idea what you are looking at.

I had cable when the boy was here but that was because I understand that with testosterone comes the uncontrollable urge to click through channels without any real purpose. It's not his fault, he is built that way. Men just love the clicker, they can't help themselves. Even if they are watching a show they have been waiting all week to see. As soon as the commercial comes on, they start clicking through the channels. Its instinctive, primal, like it is built into their DNA. Something to do with the XY chromosome. Might explain the short attention span. I am sure scientists are looking into it.

I on the other hand with my simple XX makeup would just be irritated when he did this and therefore never watched the tv. As soon as he moved out, the digital box went with him. I never saw the point of having 600 channels when (you know yourself) you can only name about a dozen television shows that are even worth watching, if that. So you click through the 600 channels, even with the fancy guide they have, by the time you find the show you think you might like to watch, its 15 minutes into it.

Oh they tell me you have to plan ahead and tag the shows that you might like to watch in the future...blah blah blah. Contrary to popular belief, I have a life, shit to do, and if there is a show I want to watch, I just download it and watch it. Done.

Anyway, I digress. After three days of trying to visualize what the customer is talking about when they say, "Then I get to this one menu that has a circle with a red line through it, do I hit that?" I broke. Today I am sitting here waiting for the cable guy to bring me the testosterone box and tonight I have a date with the clicker.

The sooner I get to know this thing inside and out, the sooner I can get rid of the stupid thing.

Forced into the realm of the channel surfers. Here's hoping that X doesn't shrink into a Y.

Suffering through Another American Idol season.

Seriously, Dude. You don't have one, not one friend that is not completely insane? Someone who will say to you, "Uh, I hate to burst your bubble, Dawg, but you cannot sing."

You see people with ten or fifteen 'friends' waiting for them outside the audition room and you are thinking, how does one person accumulate that many completely tone deaf friends?

Again I sit here with my ears bleeding. Mind you, I watch the first episodes religiously simply for the terrible auditions. After that it gets boring, week after week. Unless we luck out and there is another Sanjaya Malakar in the mix that makes it onto votefortheworst.com and keeps surviving every week even though they couldn't carry a note in a bucket.

Of course you can tell when you are going to hear someone amazing because the show takes the time to interview the contestant at home. No surprises there.

You can also tell by the outfit a person is sporting if you are about to witness a train wreck. Seriously, if they have half their hair dyed (badly) red and the other blue, and can't put together a shirt to match their pants, you can pretty much tell it is going to be painful to watch and listen to.

And just an FYI. If you think you need a gimmick? You probably do.

Dodged a bullet.

Almost had my mug plastered all over the television.

I am heading for the bank and this dude is standing outside with a camera guy.

He blocks my entry, "Hi, my name is Ross Lord..."

"Yeah, I know who you are."

"We are trying to get some reactions from the public about the local election..."

Out of the corner of my eye I spot the camera guy hoisting his camera onto his shoulder. I cut Mr. Lord off, "Whoa, sorry, if it were radio, I might consider it."

I am extremely non-photogenic.

No one needs to see that.

"It's Morphin' Time!"

Have been watching one of the new fall shows, Flashpoint. I know it's not fall yet, but I will still call it the new fall season.

Anyway, I really like this one. But can you see Amy Jo Johnson as anything other than the pink Power Ranger?

Every time she comes on camera, all I can hear is that theme song. The one that I was tortured with for years when The Boy was small. He watched the show over and over, he had all the toys and action figures, he was obsessed like every other kid back then.

At least it was better than Barney. That purple beast and all his little brainwashed friends, made me want to slit my throat.

No I won't say I love you too....fuck off! (Great! Now that one is stuck in my head)

Nuttin' but suds.

Your Place or Mine?

Really stupid premise, and it doesn't get better as you watch. The questions are moronic and it is pretty simple to win or lose.

I think they are banking on having a soap star as the host, but I really can't see it lasting that long.

Now there is a half hour out of my life that I will never get back. (I couldn't actually watch the whole thing.)

How to get your ass on TV.

Have your small child sing a Michael Jackson song.





However, if you don't have time to produce any kids, you can just be fucking crazy.



And thank God this wing nut isn't reproducing.

Not enough hours in the day.

I haven't blogged all week and I am not sure why. The Boy has been working with his father and we have been ships passing in the night. So I can't blame it on the Boy this time. The house looks like a cyclone hit it, so I can't say I was busy with housework.

Ok, I confess. Holy shit is this an intervention? Where is the camera crew?

"Hi, my name is Evel and I am addicted to Big Brother." There, I said it, are you happy now?

I don't really watch the show, since I already know what happens. I do download it to skip though for the America's Player thing but mostly I just read the live updates (holy shit, people watch the live feeds 24/7 and transcribe it word-for-word) or watch video highlights from the live feeds.

If you only caught an episode here and there on the actual CBS show, you have no idea what it is all about. By this time in the 'game' the back stabbing starts. This year you can thank the presence of Evil Dick (so far all I can figure out is that he is a actor/rock groupie), an absolute social retard, for all the mayhem. His MySpace shows him dressed up as a pedophile priest and a bloody tampon for Halloween. 'Nuff said.

With Dick around, it is fight fight fight, pretty much all the time now. He started just picking on one girl, now it is everyone. He is crude and rude, the others would say nothing in the girls defense, because they were scared he would turn it on them. However, they have had enough and are starting to fight back which is making it interesting.

He had an evil plan to back-door someone that failed miserably, so he has been ranting like a lunatic for the past few days.

It's fun to watch people lose their minds. I am addicted.

Don't worry, someone will piss me off soon, and I will start posting more often

Poetic justice or wishful thinking?


James Gandolfini Shot By Closure-Seeking Fan

Anyone who was pissed at the 'artsy' ending of the series can understand what would make this person snap.

I think we all were let down by the creators of the Sopranos with that half-assed ending. Justifiable homicide if you ask me.

Scientist/Exotic Dancer?

I am no expert, but I am thinking he might have more experience as an exotic dancer. But isn't that the weirdest 'slash' job description you have ever read?

I started watching Pirate Master. It is a Survivor-like show from Mark Burnett. Hey, it's summer TV, I am desperate.

You would think that with a package like that, he would have the women eating out of his hands. Unfortunately he opened his mouth to reveal he is a freak and pretty much creep'ed all the ladies out. Myself included. If you read his BIO, you will see why the vote was unanimous.

Honestly? I think it might turn out to be interesting. After 14 seasons of Survivor, I think they need to mix it up a bit.

THURSDAYS 8PM ET/PT

Idiot Alert!

If you don't watch BB3, you will have no idea what the hell I am talking about.)

Ok, Jason is HOH. He nominates Marci and Amy. Marcellis is very upset over being nominated and throws a bit of a private tantrum, with only Danielle (Jason's ally) witnessing it. Now Danielle thinks that Marci is a threat to Jason, that if he stays he will come after Jason. This is the first idiotic thing Marci does.

Only two people can vote, Lisa and Danielle. With Jason casting the deciding vote in the event of a tie.

New twist, Golden Veto. You can use it to save yourself. However, this crayon is so full of himself that he can't comprehend anyone choosing Amy over him. He goes so far as to tell Danielle that if she wins it NOT to take him off the block, to just leave it.

Marci wins it. Dani and Jason are sweating now, their plan to get rid of Marcellis may go down the drain if he uses it to save himself.

Now for the really stupid thing. Quite possibly the stupidest thing anyone in the history of anything has ever done. He DOES NOT use the veto to save himself.

Dani and Lisa vote and it is a tie. Jason has to cast the deciding vote. The look on Marci's face when Jason said "I vote to evict Marcellis" was precious. I laughed my ass off. He hadn't even packed all his stuff, and had to go into the drawers and grab a bunch of his clothes and carry them out under one arm. Too Fucking Funny!

You just know his mother was at home screaming at him,

"What the Hell were you thinking?"

Oops! I said it again.

After watching BB3 24/7 for the past couple of months you really start to notice that people latch on to a word and use it till its like an old shoe with holes in the soles and missing laces. I myself have noticed after reviewing old posts that I apparently can not go more than a day or two without saying "apparently". The following is a list of the last 5 people on BB3 and the words that they beat their dead horse with.

Danielle - Dada, Dada, Da
She says this incessantly, she really hates to waste time actually saying a whole sentence and just says the first few words followed by dada, dada, da. God love her, cuz most of her stories are boring enough without hearing all the gory details.

Lisa - Totally
Lisa never does anything half way, everything is totally. Not partially, always totally. Which when you think of it, is pretty impossible. But apparently (gotta stay true to form) it�s the only three syllable word she knows. Makes her feel intellectual.

Marcellis - Intellectually
He uses this word in every single sentence to try and convince himself and others that he ever thinks of anything intellectually. He probably heard some photographer say it one day on a shoot and thought it was a really cool sounding word and decided to implement it in his daily life.

Amy - Sugar
I think that anyone who uses the word sugar as a term of endearment must do it with a southern accent. This southern belle is the master. However, after the 600th time she calls Jason sugar, it starts to grate on a persons nerves.

Jason - Amazing
This guy is perpetually amazed. He no doubt has grown up under a rock or has been keep in a cage in his parents basement for the past 20 years, cuz paint drying is �amazing� to him. Surely to God everything couldn�t possibly be amazing.

You know that the show must be getting boring if I am counting words like some sort of maniacal typing teacher. Must be the clerical background. �Hands on the home keys, ladies.� And you did it too, or suffered a crack across the knuckles with a ruler. Ah, the good old days.

Wacko.

Is anyone else surprised that Michael Jackson walks around in public?
I know people that wouldn't be caught dead going to the corner store without full makeup and this fool walks around without a nose.



This man is in serious need of a stylist. Those Sergeant Pepper outfits have got to go. And the gold shin pads, what is up with that? Who in Gods name told him that was a good idea.

I remember when he was a trend setter, now he is just sad. And to add insult to injury he is also apparently mentally ill. Exactly how do you mistake a birthday cake for an award? Read about all the pitiful details here:
Jacko's MTV 'award'

At least he has abandon the whole "get rid of the nose" thing. He went about as far as he could without scraping the back of the inside of his scull. I heard somewhere that the tip of it actually fell off. That must have been his wakeup call.



So now I guess he is going back the other way now. If he can pull another record out of his ass, and grow that nose back, I think he would deserve an award for that, don�t you?

A fine kettle of fish?

Josh was voted out of the Big Brother house and Amy was voted back in.

The HOH competition consisted of all the housguests sitting in a huge bathtub in the back yard. At regular intervals Chiara was instructed to dump a bucket of mystery items into the pool. Last one out is HOH. All kinds of fun stuff like eels, squid, cod liver oil, chum, pond scum and seaweed.

The first item was the squid, and I don't think that even one hit the water before Roddy was outta there. What a whimp. Long story short. Amy is HOH.

Things should really get interesting now. Chiara and Roddys' days are numbered.

Please God! Make it stop!

The Lord has heard my prayer. Gerry has gotten HOH on Big Brother 3 and has put up the "bonehead" (Eric) and the "gross out queen" (Lisa).

90% of their time in the house is comprised of endless sessions of Eric laying back, like a big lazy dog in the afternoon sun, while Lisa goes over every inch of his body plucking hairs and popping zits.

SWEET DYING JESUS!

And to break up the monotony, every so often Chiara will join in. Then we have to listen to the complete play-by-play of them discussing in graphic detail the color and consistancy of the gore they are squeezing out of this dumb fuck.

Well at least now one of them will be gone and not soon enough for me. I have a very short gag reflex.

Cherry, snap snap snap snap, Danger, snap snap
(translation - CODE)

Something interesting happened on BB3 today.

Chiara, Lisa and Tanya were sitting outside and Chiara decides to create a way that they could communicate in code, so "we", meaning the internet people, could not understand what they were saying.

Oh my god...I can't believe how stupid this crayon is. First of all, "we" are all sitting at our computers watching her explain how the code works. The woman is brain dead.

Anyway, here's the interesting part. After trying for 15 minutes to explain the code to (airhead) Lisa, she procedes to tell a story.

Here it is: Aparently she has been cheating on her boyfriend for the last 3 months. The man she is dating is divorced with 2 boys and is a millionaire. She lied to her family so she could go to California to be with him while he was visiting his kids. (this is where BB tracked her down to tell her she was on the show) His name is Roger, and he divorced his wife (aparently) because she was bipolar. He has a house in the hamptons, and his family holds the lease on the WTC.

Ok, anyone with half a brain would have stopped before they got to the WTC thing, but this peice of work proceded to spell out his name.

Roger Silverstein, president of Silverstein Properties, son of Larry Silverstein.

Gee, Chiara, ya think he will be waiting for you when you get out? Not Fuckin' likely. I am sure you are fine fuck material, but don't pick out your china pattern just yet.

An all time low.

I have just reached an all time low, for me anyway. I actually paid for something.

I tried for a few days to get the BB3 feeds for free, suckin' up to all the IRC overlords and a few of the underlings, and managed to get two days of free feeds. Not continuous feeds, mind you, but feeds none the less.

Tonight, I just couldn't take another second of it, and broke down and bought the feeds. Don't ask me how, lets just say, I got it done. Now I am legit.

AND I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!

I never pay for software or anything, on principle mostly, not because I can't afford it. I figure if you can get it for free...why wouldn't you?

This is a difficult pill to swallow, I may need therapy after this.

Thursday, July 11, 2002...

False Alarm!

Ok, looks like I have to lurk every night on IRC for hours before one of those selfish people give me the code for the feeds. And some of them are very upset that people are getting them for free.

One impassioned plea came from a certain southern bell who will not be named because �.well frankly I can�t remember every moron I meet in IRC�..she writes:

�PLEASE people pay for the feeds, so we can be assured there will be a BB4�

OH PLEASE! I am totally into instant gratification. I don�t give a sweet flyin� flippin� fuck about preserving the legacy for generations to come. I don�t even recycle, even though it�s the law now. I could care less if the minute after I die, the whole planet goes up in smoke. I will be dead. Right now I am alive and I want to watch Big Brother!

I don�t see what the big deal is, its not like CBS is hurtin� for the money. If you can get it for free, more power to ya. And if you are one of the lucky ones (NOT ME!) who has a credit card (long story) then you should share your good fortune with those of us less fortunate. It doesn�t cost you any more than you are already paying, and you get so much more in return.

For one thing, people will be searching you out, being nice to you and hanging on your every word. ;-) or at the very least every keystroke. And think of the power (IRC folks get off on the power) you will wield over others. Deciding who views and who suffers. And if that don�t float your boat, how�s this?

"If you really loved me you would give it to me."

Hey, it worked for the guys, I thought I would give it a shot.