And another thing...

You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs.

My friend, Donna, is leaving in a few weeks. Like every person with any ambition, she is packing up and heading west.

Recently another girl that works with us suggested a surprise party. Just a little get together to say bon-voyage.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" She looked at me funny, cuz I was looking at her like she forgot to wear pants.

"What?"

"You only know 'Work Donna'"

"What the hell does that mean?" I get an evil grin on my face, this could be quite entertaining for me if not down right traumatic for everyone else.

"Never mind."

Let's see, how to describe Donna? Donna is Archie Bunker in a skirt. Lovable, but far from even remotely being politically correct. When she drinks, she drinks herself silly and rarely if ever remembers a thing she says or does while under the influence. She is crude, rude and will say anything to anyone.

Picture it, Sicily... Donna and I are at a pub, we are sitting at a table with some other girls from work. She looks over at a table containing 5 guys.

"Well those fuckin' guys must be gay!", she says, too loudly for the volume of the music.

"Why is that?"

"A bunch of guys all sitting together at a bar."

"Um, we are all sitting together..." She misses it.

Then she spots a guy wearing a white belt with studs on it. She staggers up to him and says, "Holy shit, with a belt like that you must be taking it up the ass, right?" It is a question, and she expects an answer.

The table we are sitting at is very close to the low stage, where our friends from work are performing an acoustic set. Donna is sitting so close that the guitarist could literally bash her scull with the butt of the guitar without much effort. It surprises me when he doesn't. Remember they are playing acoustic. She yells to me like we are at an AC/DC concert, "Holy shit these guys suck!" and starts screaming "FREE BIRD!"

We decide to grace another bar with our presence. It is at the other end of town, we start walking. (when I say the other end of town, it is a small town, maybe 3 blocks) This is a ghost town after midnight. Donna decides she has to pee. At this hour there is only one place open, a pizza joint. Does she go inside? No. She doesn't even notice the place. She picks that spot on the sidewalk to haul her drawers down and piss on the sidewalk. I just shake my head.

We get to the other bar, she is sitting quietly. This makes me very nervous. She is staring at a black dude, he is wearing parachute pants, a muscle shirt and he has elastic bands on his biceps. Finally, she stands up, "Fuck it! I have to ask."

This is where I exit the establishment. To this day I have no idea what she so desperately needed to ask and neither does she. The real miracle is that she did not get her ass kicked. For some unfathomable reason, no one ever gets pissed off at her. They laugh. I don't know if it is how she says it, or if they think she is trying to be funny, but they think she is hilarious.

So, all this is running through my head as the girls start planning their little get together. Like it will be some sort of garden party. I hope they have a good plan to get her there, cuz it doesn't sound like anything she would be remotely interested in. They will have to come up with a pretty good lie about where they are taking her. Like maybe to a stip joint for some dwarf tossing. "Oh, Oh, I know, we should get some beer!" Like lambs ... Well, you know.

"Tell me, Clarice - have the lambs stopped screaming?"

I will keep you posted.