Friday, April 17, 2009

Dude, we need a plan.

So I went to the dentist after four years of my teeth rotting in my head. Avoiding hot and cold and remembering to chew only on my left side. I hate the dentist, can you tell? He prescribes me Atavan, nuf said.

After four years I expected some changes but the second I walked in (precisely on time) I was whisked into the chair by the younger of the two dentists. It was like he was trying to break the speed record for dentistry.

More like an assembly line, he just got me in the chair and said, "So, what are we doing today?"

I am sitting there white knuckled and he is suited up and ready to dig in.

"How should I know? Your the dentist, have a look around."
He looks at me all stunned like and says nothing. I guess that means I am on. "Uh, ok it feels like this one might be broken?"

"Great! I can fix that right up." and he comes at me with that steal pole with the hook.

"WHOA! Uh, in case you haven't noticed, I am a white-knuckler and if you are just using that pole to get a reaction out of me I can stop you right there and tell you unequivocally that you will indeed get a reaction. One that might jeopardize your future reproductive plans. I can't even stick my fingernail between my teeth and it hurts."

"Uh huh." That is all I get out of him so I proceed to tell him other teeth that I think might have a problem but he has got his heart set on this one. He is fascinated by it. I think he figures it is quick and most likely costly and he can quite possibly get in a round of golf before supper.

I give in and let him have at it.

I was right, it didn't take long and surprisingly he didn't hurt me at all. Not even the needle. This gives me an unprecedented burst of confidence that I can do this. I can have all my teeth fixed!

Now he is starting to give me the bum's rush. Telling me to have a nice day etc.

"Hold it!" Again with the stunned look.

"Dude, there is a reason I have not been here in four years. I don't know if you are aware of this rare opportunity. I am here and you did not hurt me. I am prepared to have all my teeth fixed. We need to have a plan." I am thinking, at least x-rays, another appointment scheduled, something. This guy must have kids he needs to send to college, right?

Maybe he is not grasping this, probably because he is new and I have only seen him once before. The old guy (senior dentist) the one who actually prescribed the Atavan, would understand this window of opportunity that was about to slam shut.

"Dude, you got me here after four years, I have just had one of the best experiences at the dentist that anyone has ever had. You need to get on it, keep this momentum going or I will end up forgetting this experience and remember why I haven't been to a dentist in four years."

He sits back, clearly he has missed something and now he is ready to be enlightened.

"I am of an age where I have had bad experiences with the dentist. I am talking really bad. I have had the knee on the chest while he tries to yank a tooth for an hour experience. I have had an old drunk guy come at me with ether and a dirty rag. I have woken up, disoriented on a filthy mattress on the floor with the stench of vomit filling the room. Right now I am feeling good, you need to preserve this memory."

He tries to tell me that that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore.

I raise my hand "You can say whatever you like but I am like a holocaust survivor, I realize the shower is probably safe but you are still gonna have to shove me in it."

I leave with x-rays, another appointment and a clear plan of action.

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