And another thing...

March 21, 2002

Addicted

My sister is a diet junkie. There must be a group for that? I am sure if there was ....she would have found it. She has tried (and talked me into trying) every diet out there.

Lets see ...there was the egg diet....eggs morning, noon, and night. Cabbage soup diet....yum. The great American trim down or something to that effect. That one was impressive...my sister had discovered infomercials, and had ordered it. It came in a huge box and she presented it to me for my birthday. (ya think she was trying to tell me something?) It had a book, diary, cards, and even audio tapes. Well worth the $90 US. That one was too much work for me...all that organizing and writing down everything I eat.

There was also Protein Power, also a birthday gift (do I detect a theme?), I tried that for a couple of weeks but I couldn't eat enough protein for the thing to work. It called for 7-10 oz of protein at each meal...EACH meal. I don't know if you know how much 7-10 oz is....but believe me ...it is a lot. Since I didn't have a herd of cattle in the back yard, I abandoned that one.

Everyone knows that Weight Watchers is the way to go. It has nothing to do with the program (they change their strategy every couple of years) it has everything, however, to do with the fact that at the end of each week you show up and some strange woman sets you on a scale and announces your gain or loss. It has nothing to do with the winning points, what keeps you from eating that chocolate ice cream or wolfing down an entire pizza, is the knowledge that that woman is going to look at that scale and give you that disappointed look and say "sorry dear, you gained a pound".

And that humiliating experience will cost you $13 each and every week. Now you might say to yourself after a month of losing weight "I have the books, I know the program, I can do this. I don't need to pay someone to weigh me, I could be spending that money on new clothes for my new slimmer, trimmer me. Please do not delude yourself. Within a week you will be gorging on chocolate macaroons or fried chicken. You need that woman, and she is worth every penny of that $13.

If you want to lose the weight.....she has got to be waiting for you at the end of every week. I know of what I speak......I was on the program for a month and lost 20 pounds, I got cocky and after two weeks on my own I gained it all back.

My sister however is certain that the miracle cure for obesity is out there somewhere and apparently Joan Van Arc is just the scientist to bring it to the free world.

Late one night she comes across Slim Down. A miracle fat blocker. The infomercial promises that this is the revolutionary pill that she has been waiting for. Joan�s emaciated face smiles out at her and says, if you want to eat a slice of chocolate cake take one of these pills, if you want to eat the whole cake ...take two! Have no fear this will block all the fat. Oh...did I mention you have to drink a gallon of water with the pill? (Joan neglects to mention that.)

Eureka! My sister has found the cure.....on Knots Landing! Who'da thunk it? And all for the low, low price of $230. A bargain at twice that price. And once again I am sucked into her delusion. After a couple of days I know how everyone is losing the weight....after you drink a gallon of water I challenge you to try and eat even a half a slice of cake or even look at the cake for that matter.

So it has been a couple of weeks with the pills. "Do you notice any difference?" I say. She replies "Not sure" , but she tells me that she is on another diet (in addition to the pills) she will be eating nothing but raw food. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Not only is she drinking a gallon of water, but she will be only eating raw food, carrots, broccoli, turnips...you know...raw. ;-) Here is where I interject....."You know that the only way to lose weight is WW" ..........I know she says.......but WW is too expensive.

You heard me right, my sister who just paid $230 for pills from some washed up primetime soap star, tells me that WW is too expensive.....I almost pissed myself laughing. (or maybe it's the gallon of water I drank for lunch.)

In closing I just want to say that my sister is an intelligent, beautiful, caring woman whom I love very much.

That last bit was added on the off chance that my sister actually figures out how to use the computer and stumbles onto this page. ;-)